Friends share our jokes, feed the cat while we’re away and help us live longer, happier lives. Here’s how to make sure that you’re there for them, too.
By Melissa Gignac
How much easier life would be if, like the ’90s sitcoms Friends and Seinfeld, adulthood was populated by a tight circle of friends constantly bursting through our doors (do New
York apartment buildings not have front door buzzers?), our lives inextricably intertwined. The expectation of full, breezy social lives we grew up watching on TV has, for many, not matched our reality, particularly in a culture that prioritizes business before buddies.
“Over the last few centuries, we have increasingly sacrificed community for work and convenience, the psychologist Marisa G. Franco writes in her bestselling 2022 book Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make – And Keep – Friends. “We live in a society in which it is acceptable to cancel plans with friends for work, but never vice versa. One in which giving up a promotion to have free time for the people you love is wasted potential.” In essence, we are working ourselves into isolation.
Some might argue that family is enough, but as Franco notes, friendships are different from familial and intimate partner relationships. They are not shackled to the expectations and hopes our parents may have for us, the responsibility we bear our children or the “insurmountable expectation of being someone’s everything” that can mire spousal relations. “Platonic love lies at the lowest rung of the hierarchy our culture places on love,” Franco adds. “But I’ve learned it’s a devastating loss to all of us if we dispose of it there.” In other words: We can survive without friends, but without them we can not truly thrive. But it takes effort to make and keep friends. Here’s how to do it — and why it’s so important.
How To Be A Good Friend
Friendships take many forms. There are friends whose daily texts or propensity for a well-timed meme provide life-affirming levity, friends with whom we share time only when engaged in a particular interest or activity, and friends that, due to distance or circumstance, we rarely see or speak to, but who would be the first to offer an organ if the need arose.
Regardless of the type of friendship, it’s imperative that we show up authentically – and accept our friends for who they are, too. Franco says: “Authenticity nurtures friendship because humans are social beings, which means that when we’re authentic, we unleash our nature of empathy and compassion.” Authenticity also empowers vulnerability – it is when we are willing to be vulnerable that we open ourselves to being accepted and loved exactly as we are, without guards.
Like all relationships, friendships require maintenance, and it’s often the little things, not the grand gestures, that make the biggest impact.
“Random acts of thoughtfulness are as appreciated in platonic relationships as they are in romantic ones.”
Think about the things that might be affecting your friends, positive and negative, and check in with them. A call to ask about a new job, a loved one’s health issue or how they’re handling a newly empty nest lets our friends know they are on our minds, and that we want them to share their lives with us.
Beyond making a call, showing up for what’s important to our friends is an act of solidarity. It’s important, though, to remember that we don’t all have the same goals. Weddings and baby showers might be peak pride for some, while for others career, academic achievements or checking destinations off the travel bucket list are cause for celebration. Life landmarks, celebratory events and rough patches are different for everyone, and recognizing and celebrating your friends’ priorities, as well as supporting them through losses, shows that you’re measuring their milestones by their own metric of importance, not yours.
Random acts of thoughtfulness are as appreciated in platonic relationships as they are in romantic ones. Buy (and mail!) that card that reminds you of an inside joke, send flowers “just because” or schedule an “I miss your face” coffee date.
And, on occasion, be willing to be inconvenienced. It helps to reframe the ask — view a request to drive your friend to the airport or ferry as an opportunity for one-on-one conversation rather than a demand of your time. Even better, offer to drive.
Small acts of kindness and compassion let people we love know how much we value them and keep our relationships alive. And it matters – friendships make our lives not only more enjoyable, but can help us live longer. It’s vital that we put in the effort to make them flourish.
Why It Matters
Marla Paul, author of The Friendship Crisis: Finding, Making, and Keeping Friends When You’re Not a Kid Anymore, suggests that, “Whatever reason pals are scarce, the impact is the same. It’s like missing an essential nutrient. Without friends, problems weigh more and pleasures yield less joy. It’s a palpable void.”
Having a strong support network doesn’t just make life’s successes more joyful and challenges more navigable. It can also affect our health, both physical and mental. “Psychologists theorize that our relationships, like oxygen, food and water, are necessary for us to function,” Franco notes. “When stripped of them, we cannot thrive, which explains why friendships have powerful influences on mental and physical health.”
For those facing major health issues like heart disease or cancer – or dealing with the loss of a spouse – the emotional support offered by close friends and confidantes actually decreases risk of death. When we’re facing a stressful situation, talking to a friend literally lowers our blood pressure, slows our heart rate and calms down cortisol.
Studies have also shown that having someone to confide in is the strongest factor for preventing depression – and that the biggest difference between happy and unhappy people is their level of social connection.
We know that friendships are vital, but when life gets busy, they’re often the relationships from which we’re first to disengage. They are not weighted by the same obligation as family or partnerships and are, unfortunately, easier to deprioritize. With shifting demands on our time and energy, how do we determine what our friendships should look like, and ensure that we’re putting in as much as we’re asking back?
As a certain theme song once put it, being a good friend might actually be pretty simple: “I’ll be there for you (when the rain starts to pour). I’ll be there for you (like I’ve been there before). I’ll be there for you (’cause you’re there for me, too).”
How to Make a Friend
Perhaps you’re in a new city, a new job or a new stage of life. For whatever reason, you might be feeling a lack of friends and confidantes. But how does one go about finding new friends when you’re an adult and “Hey, do you want to play?” doesn’t hit quite the same as it did on the playground? Here are seven ways to meet new people and maybe even discover a kindred spirit.
Meet New Friends Through Online Communities
Get started online with local Facebook and MeetUp groups targeting people who share your interests and values. Then, when you’re ready to connect IRL, check out community centres, professional associations and the characters who populate your block.
Find Friends Who Share Your Passions
Are you a hobbyist? No matter how niche, there’s someone who shares your passion. Whether it’s classic cars, rocks and gems, or vintage vinyl that floats your boat, you’re bound to bond with like-minded enthusiasts at local meetups.
Turn Your Workday Into a Social Connection
Work from home starting to feel like where (do) friends hide? Try joining – or starting – a weekly coffee group for professional peers, attend CreativeMornings (free monthly lectures designed for creative communities) or bookmark co-working space and professional association web pages for social and networking events.
Build Friendships in the Great Outdoors
If you’re outdoorsy, hiking, birding and local environmental stewardship groups are great places to meet fellow nature enthusiasts. Or sign up for one of Surfrider’s monthly beach cleanups to spend a few hours fostering connections while spiffing up our shorelines.
Make Friends Through Classes and Shared Learning
Perhaps you have a yearning to learn. Local recreation centres offer far more than fitness – friendships can be forged in classes that cover cooking, art and languages, or via naturalist groups that explore local parks. Classes, rather than workshops, offer the advantage of the “mere exposure effect” by which we come to like someone merely by being exposed to them repeatedly.
Turn Neighbours Into New Friends
Tear down fences. Well, not literally. Take the initiative to invite your friendliest neighbours for a casual coffee or cocktail. Not only might you make a mate, but you could also find yourself with a safety net when the cat needs to be fed or you’re freaking out that you forgot to turn off the
Rekindle Old Friendships and Expand Your Circle
Revisit your Rolodex. It may seem obvious, but the friends you already have are a rich resource. The people in their circles are pre-vetted and by sharing a mutual friend you already have something in common. And, of course, it’s never too late to reconnect with old friends, too.
