BY CAROLYN CAMILLERI
Dreading those awkward family conversations over the holidays? Follow our guide to navigating them with grace — and shoring up your inner resources, too.
The festive season is fraught with conversational pitfalls, especially with certain family members: the aunt who always has a critical comment, the uncle who shares his conspiracy theories, decades-old sibling rivalries and all those questions about when you’re getting married/having kids/retiring/whatever pushes your buttons.
And that’s in addition to the other stresses of the holiday season, which can make us all more sensitive and more likely to react (or overreact) to the things our loved ones say, even when they are well-intentioned.
“Excitement, stress, grief, happiness, and we are often confronted with family-of-origin stuff, financial realities, child-care realities,” says J. Nicole Little, PhD, a registered clinical counsellor (RCC) in Victoria. With a laugh, she suggests that Hallmark needs to make a movie about this side of the holiday season.
“Spending time with our families of origin often touches on vulnerable, child-like parts of ourselves that we often don’t even know are there, so we can be taken off guard when we react in ways we wouldn’t in other parts of our lives,” says Victoria-based Linette Read, RCC. “I think we’ve all had that moment of disbelief as we’re responding to a family member like we’re still a teenager.”
That slide into a past role has two sides: how we are treated, especially by an older generation of relatives who may still see us as a child or youth; and how we behave in response, which may include expecting them to take care of everything — or resenting them for doing so. Either can activate both old hurts and any current struggles we may be experiencing.
“When we slide back into the role that the people we’re going to visit may still see us in, then we tend to act from that,” says Leanne Rose Dorish, RCC. “We tend to take things personally faster because of that potential to slip back into a childhood role.”
Add to that self-criticism, failed expectations and loneliness even in a room full of people, all at a time of year when we are supposed to be happy, and, as Dorish says, “The vulnerable parts of ourselves bubble up to the surface more.”
Here’s how to survive it all and maybe, just maybe, keep things merry and bright.
Manage Expectations
Before any event, whether it’s with friends, colleagues or family, level up your advance preparation. Start by managing your expectations.
“We are susceptible to social media versions of life — and therefore unhelpful social comparison — and perhaps our own fantasies of what the holiday season ‘should’ look like,” Little says. “But let’s face it. Holidays often come with constraints on time, money and energy, so it can be helpful to step back and ask: Who am I doing this for? At the end of the holiday season, what do I hope to have gained that aligns with my values — for example, more time with family, an eco-conscious holiday, more spiritual communion, more actual downtime, etc.? Am I performing the holidays or participating in them?”
“But let’s face it. Holidays often come with constraints on time, money and energy, so it can be helpful to step back and ask: Who am I doing this for?”
She adds: “Most of us imagine the worst about events we are stressed about. I have had clients who said, ‘Well, let’s expect the worst and then maybe not be disappointed.’ But this is counterproductive as you are laying the neural pathways to be on the lookout for what is the ‘worst.’ ”
Instead of saying a particular event is “always a disaster,” say the event is “typically chaos” and make a plan for handling it.
Dorish, who is based in Salmon Arm, also emphasizes the importance of managing expectations, noting that in between hoping for the best and expecting the worst is a neutral zone, and that it’s perfectly fine if things are just … fine.
“You’re weighing all of these pieces against what you’re expecting these people are going to say and the reality of what they’re going to say, or who you want them to be versus who they still are,” she says. “The expectations can make the whole thing worse, because for weeks in advance you’re thinking, ‘Oh, this is going to be a disaster.’ ”
Dorish adds: “We don’t need to be totally miserable and we don’t need to be totally ecstatic that we’re there.”
Be Prepared
How much time and energy you take to prepare is going to influence how deeply you delve into your family dynamics and the conflicts that can arise at gatherings.
A good place to start is by setting boundaries.
“What are you willing to share? What are you willing to talk about and what are your limits?” says Read. “Prepare and practise some lines ahead of time that can help you to navigate tricky situations in a polite but firm way, even something as simple as, ‘I’m not feeling comfortable talking about this. How about we change the subject?’ ”
Then make sure you are physically and emotionally fit to handle whatever the situation throws at you.
“We can work to regulate ourselves ahead of an event by making sure we’ve eaten well and had some good exercise and sleep,” says Read. “We can wear clothes that feel both physically comfortable and help us to feel confident in who we are. We can also wear or have something in our pocket that we can touch to help ground us in uncomfortable situations, like a smooth pendant or a pretty rock.”
Dorish says it may also be helpful to have a close friend on standby for text messages or a call — someone you can laugh with or who can offer encouragement, support or just distraction.
Little advises reducing vulnerabilities and coping ahead, both key practices in dialectical behaviour therapy.
In a holiday scenario, “reducing vulnerabilities” means reducing the variables that may increase stress and/or make triggers worse. What does this look like in practical terms?
Little offers a list:
- Maintain a regular schedule for sleep, exercise and nutrition;
- Ask for help (“Even Santa has a partner and elves!”);
- Swap maladaptive but immediate coping skills (like having a drink or two before the staff party) with more adaptive ones (such as calling a good friend before heading to a mandated event);
- And don’t take on more than you can handle — in other words, set appropriate boundaries. (“No, I cannot make 300 snowman cookies for tomorrow’s event!”)
“Coping ahead” goes a step further.
“We rehearse in our mind the stressful event, then imagine ourselves using healthy skills to navigate the event,” says Little. “Doing this — more than once, by the way — primes our brain to use skills in the live moment just as we have practised in the imaginary one.”
Coping ahead may also mean planning ahead by, for example, choosing to attend the event, but staying elsewhere and ensuring you have access to your self-care or spiritual program or that lifeline friend you can contact when you need them most.
Be Kind to Yourself
There’s a third part to Little’s process: Practise self-compassion, especially if you’ve done or said something that feels out of character.
“Too often, people are skilled at rehearsing events that have happened or they are busy doing ‘social autopsies’ on their faux pas,” she says. “Once an event has come and gone, let it go. Rumination is our brain trying to solve a problem, so be kind to it and at the same time, remind yourself that you are a perfectly flawed human — and so is everyone else!”
Maybe you’re curious about why these types of issues happen every year and you want to do a bit better than just survive a family gathering. Before you do, though, ask yourself: How do I want to be with these people who may still see me as a child or youth? How important is it to fix things?
“It really is about reflecting on how you want to feel after the interaction,” says Little. “Conflict can be intimacy enhancing when it is repaired, but my experience of the holidays with clients is that sometimes conflicts arise without the repair.”
To help navigate these sticky situations, Little recommends asking yourself this: “Is arguing with person X to get my point across going to divide us or bring us closer?”
Ultimately, you can’t change other people, but you can change how you react to them — and nurture compassion for yourself. And that might be the best holiday gift of all.
5 Conversation Non-Starters
Despite your best efforts, sometimes you can’t avoid the tricky conversations that happen in social settings, especially with family. Our experts recommend these five ways to handle them and keep your emotions, temper and relationships intact.
1 Breathe
“Never underestimate the power of a few deep breaths,” says registered clinical counsellor Linette Read. “Not only do they give us a moment to pause and reflect on how we want to respond, but they also literally help our nervous system to regulate.”
2 Trust Your Gut
“If you’ve been with these people enough through your life, you will have a spidey sense when something’s about to happen. Even if it’s a moment where you suddenly need to get up and walk to another room, listen to that piece, trust your body,” says fellow RCC Leanne Dorish. “When you come back, you may learn you just missed a fight about how to baste the turkey.”
3 Laugh it Off
“Bring lightheartedness and humour into an awkward conversation,” Dorish says. “If someone asks, ‘When are you getting married?’ make a lighthearted joke about waiting for that gorgeous farmer to sweep you off your feet or something extravagant to make someone laugh and change the subject.”
4 Walk Away
“Politics is a hot topic, and if you are really not into discussing politics, you can listen politely or leave under the guise of another task,” says RCC J. Nicole Little. “A staple in my house is to simply say, ‘I have to take the dogs for a walk.’ ”
5 Deflect Politely
And remember: You don’t have to take the bait. As Dorish points out, “If a controversial question is directed at you, reply with something like: ‘I’m happy when people do things that are in their heart as long as it doesn’t hurt others.’ ”
All photos: Studio Firma/Stocksy
Holiday stress and family dynamics can be overwhelming, but you’re not alone. In addition to our tips for managing tricky conversations, we recommend two articles that offer practical advice for staying calm and healthy during the season.
First, check out “Breathe Easy,” which features simple breathing exercises and mindfulness techniques to help you stay grounded. These tools can help you handle family tension and holiday stress with more clarity and calm.
Then, read “Stay Healthy for the Holidays,” where you’ll find tips on nutrition, fitness, and self-care. This article will help you maintain your physical and mental well-being so you can enjoy the holidays without burning out.